Laying on a Floor in Bogotá

I can still feel the heat on my face and the sweat on my back as I wrestled Shayra through the hotel lobbies, hallways, and elevator back up to our room during breakfast one morning in our first week together. Since we had first left the orphanage with the kids, she had been crying and screaming nearly nonstop, including through the night, and we couldn't get her to eat a thing. That particular morning while we were sitting in the restaurant of our hotel waiting for breakfast, she started throwing dishes on the ground and her screaming just kept getting higher and higher pitched. It felt like everyone in the restaurant was staring at us, judging the white parents with the screaming Colombian kiddos that clearly had no idea what they were doing. The amount of food that found its way to the floor from our table every morning was embarrassing enough, but this scene was our worst yet.

I finally made it up to our room, got Shayra in the door, and sat her on the couch where she continued to kick and scream... and I literally collapsed on the floor in front of her. I remember feeling the warmth of the sun streaming in the window as I lay sobbing on the floor in front of my two-year-old daughter that I had only been with for 48 hours and the rough carpet under my face as it became drenched in tears. There we were, both of us having our own meltdowns, crying out in fear, pain, and sorrow. It's one of the lowest points I can remember from that first week... and there were several. Jake and I both had a stomach bug, I had barely eaten anything since arriving in Colombia, our kids' behaviors were beyond what we had imagined they would be, I'd been clawed at, kicked, and hit, I was so lonely and sad, and all of that created such fertile ground for the enemy to pounce and devour me.

"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

I blocked a lot out of my mind from those first days together in our first hotel room, and it wouldn't be until months later that the Lord would bring this moment back to my mind. After I finally got help from my doctor and started processing some of my hardest thoughts with Jake, the Lord began redeeming those dark moments in my time with Him. About 9 months after we came home, I was standing in church one Sunday during worship, and the name of the next song we were going to sing showed up on the screen; "Another in the Fire". The Spirit of the Lord overwhelmed me in the back of our church that morning as He brought the picture of me laying on a floor in Bogota to my mind. All of those feelings of darkness and sorrow came flooding back, but this time the thing that stood out the most was the light streaming in the window. And as we sang the words to this worship song, I realized just how close Jesus was to both Shayra and I that morning...

"There is another in the fire Standing next to me There is another in the waters Holding back the seas And should I ever need reminding What power set me free There is a grave that holds no body And now that power lives in me

And I can see the light in the darkness As the darkness bows to Him I can hear the roar in the heavens As the space between wears thin I can feel the ground shake beneath us As the prison walls cave in Nothing stands between us"

It wasn't until this day in church, singing these words, that I realized that morning in Bogotá was a turning point. After I had cried out to the Lord and just sobbed and sobbed, I gathered myself back up and carried Shayra back down to breakfast. Later that day, we figured out that water and being in the bathtub was a soothing thing for her. We finally were able to see a smile from her and hear her laugh. For the next several days she spent more time in the bathtub than she did out of it. We also figured out she was wanting to eat yogurt and we were able to get her to actually eat. But it was more than that... it was a crossing over from feeling devoured and defeated to realizing that the Lord was faithful and was equipping us moment by moment with the knowledge, skills, patience, and energy we needed to not only parent our kids but to stand with them in the hurt and healing they were going through too.

There are so many details that I will never be able to articulate fully about that week and this morning specifically... but what I can say is that it was in that moment of my absolute brokenness that the Lord displayed His grace in the most beautiful way. He was laying with me in my "fire". He was holding back the seas. The darkness of the battle that day had to bow to Him... and every moment since then as I have been sanctified over and over in painful, but beautiful ways, I feel the space between the brokenness of our world and the gloriousness of being in His presence in Heaven wearing thinner and thinner.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

For any of you who are laying on your own floor and crying out to the Lord, or feel like you're standing in your own fire of trial, or drowning in your own sea of sorrow... don't be afraid or discouraged and know that the promises of the Lord are true. He doesn't leave you or forsake you, and He goes before you. (Deuteronomy 31:8) I'm praying for you and the day that the Lord reveals the ways He has been with you all along and for the ways that He can be honored and glorified in your life and testimony.

"And should I ever need reminding

How good You’ve been to me

I’ll count the joy come every battle

‘Cause I know that’s where You’ll be"